Attacking the Kitchen

In a smog-filled, carbon-emitting world mild-mannered blogger Green Girl morphs into Enviro-Girl, her superhero alter ego, in hopes that through her Super-Strength the planet might be saved. Using her Rage-Vision, she glares through the windshields of gas-guzzling SUV’s filled with bobble-headed businessmen and oblivious housewives who placidly spend their days driving the streets and highways, contributing to filthy air and a dependence on foreign oil. (She instantly vaporizes drivers caught in the act of disposing their cigarette butts and litter on the side of the road.) Armed with her trusty Steel-Tipped Shovel and her loyal sidekicks, Team Testosterone, Enviro-Girl plants trees and prairies to counteract their pollution and erase Carbon Footprints. With the power of her Scathing Remarks and Writing Skillz, Enviro-Girl confronts the forces of greed, materialism and sloth that work to undermine our planet.  Enviro-Girl hopes YOU can help in the Fight to Save Planet Earth. Today she takes on her nemesis: The Kitchen.

Daily, brainwashed housewives everywhere believe in harsh chemicals and cleaning solutions as the best ammunition against armies of bacteria and e-coli and germs in The Kitchen. Enviro-Girl tosses aside Mr. Clean and Mr. Bubbles and pulls out simple, humble and inexpensive White Vinegar, which, diluted with hot water, cleans tile, wood and linoleum floors to a bright and greaseless shine. Enviro-Girl scoffs at the scrubbing powers of Comet and Soft Scrub, opting for basic Baking Soda or Bon Ami to buff out scratches and stains in her kitchen sink. Mrs. Meyer, Enviro-Girl’s older and wiser mentor, has prepared a phosphate-free concoction with which to combat dirty dishes. The result? Spotlessly washed dishes and a lingering, pleasing aromatherapeutic scent of Geranium. And to combat the constant threat of germs, bacteria and e-coli, Enviro-Girl relies on Bleach and water combined with her powerful Elbow Grease. The Kitchen glimmers happily under Enviro-Girl’s grime-kicking treatment, germs, bacteria and e-coli destroyed without the addition of more nonbiodegradable chemicals to the water supply. Another day made safer thanks to Enviro-Girl.