Acting Trashy

Last summer the residents of Happyville were each given a ginormous trash dumpster, compliments of a new contract with the sanitation company and Happyville’s tax revenue. When she says “ginormous,” Enviro Girl means four of the five members of her family can comfortably fit inside this thing. Happyville’s citizens did NOT get recycling containers. They were told to ante up their own containers for empty cans and old newspapers. Then Happyville declared a new pick-up schedule — recycling every other week (it had been every week), but they’d still pick up garbage every week. Which made no sense in light of the new ginormous dumpsters. Enviro Girl was disgusted because she generates more recycling than waste. Her recycling barrel overfloweth, and if she misses a week, she misses a month for pick-up. NOT cool. Meanwhile, she rolls that new ginormous dumpster of garbage to the end of her driveway once a month because it never gets full. But ever one to find the silver lining, Enviro Girl reasoned that the new ginormous dumpsters would be less prone to tipping over since they are SO heavy. This could mean less trash blowing around in the ditches and across her 60 acres. Or not. Two months into dumpster-ownership, hers tipped over, knocking almost a month’s worth of garbage into the ditch. Enviro Girl grumbled and picked up all the trash.

In December ,the dumpster ended up in the ditch, half-buried with snow during a blizzard. Enviro Girl shoveled it out, knowing by the next morning she’d be unable to locate it once the snowplows went through their road. Enviro Girl faithfully used her recycling barrel, setting it a careful 4 feet away from any obstacles.  Last week she found her recycling barrel in pieces strewn all over the road. Instead of chucking the barrel in the ditch as they’re prone to do, the sanitation workers let it roll into the road where some jerk ran it over in his SUV. At least that’s what Enviro Girl imagines happened.

Enviro Girl looked at the plastic shards. She looked at the temperature gauge in her Momvan. Fifteen degrees and windy. F*ck it, she thought, and drove up to her house without stopping. Her reward for being a faithful recycler and reuser and composter, for picking up the trash in the ditches and fields around her house, for only asking the sanitation workers to pick up her garbage once a month because she generates so much less than the average household is to have her beloved and necessary recycling bin demolished. Enviro Girl choked back her guilt with some leftover Christmas chocolates and reasoned that she was a friend to the environment. She’d probably end up picking up all the parts of that recycling bin come springtime anyway. And during a Wisconsin winter, it was pretty unlikely any forest creatures would choke on degrading plastic until she ended up picking it up. And who knows? Maybe someone else would end up picking up the mess she hadn’t made and that would be fair, too, because she’s always picking up messes she hasn’t made. Right? RIGHT???

Sometimes being loyal and noble and brave isn’t fun. Spiderman experienced that. Superman and Batman have had their moments of superhero angst. Enviro Girl is having hers. But she will NOT go out to the end of the road for those plastic bits. And she’s refusing to buy another recycle barrel, either. She’s shoving all her recyclables into cardboard boxes for the sanitation workers to haul away so there’s nothing left at the end of the driveway but weeds and a mailbox.

Enviro Girl’s conscience has  gotten the better of her since then, and she’s now in contact with the town board to discuss matters.  Her agenda:  to get garbage pick-up reduced in her town, educated Happyville residents about the trash they generate and convince them to generate less, and score recycling bins for residents that rival the size of the trash barrels.  Stay tuned.